Holiday Survival Guide for Single Men & Women

Coping

Author: Toni Coleman LCSW

Here you are, facing the holiday season alone. Have you been thinking about?

*how alone and lonely you feel *excuses you can give family members as to why you can’t come this year *what friends may be available to spend those long days with *how another year has passed and you are (still) single *how unfair it is that everyone else seems so happy and connected *how you will handle the office holiday party- single, take a friend, not attend *going to a far away (tropical?) place to escape it all *hiding out, alone, in your own home.

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Holiday Stress & Family Fights

Holidays

Author: Dr. Dorree Lynn

Due to the complexity of our new normalcy, achieving wonderful holiday cheer may take a little extra work this year. For many people, Thanksgiving heralds a month of myths often culminating in January depression. Newspapers, magazines, the big and little screens and our own childhood wishes propel us towards dreams of wonderful Thanksgiving dinners, Chanukah gelt, Christmas gifts and New Year’s revelry replete with resolutions almost surely broken within the month.

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Holiday Stress

Holidays

Copyright 2005 Bill Douglas

Life seems to compress as the holiday’s get closer, and this shows us in no uncertain terms how “intense” our lives have become. Holidays put normal life into hyper-speed, but really our lives in general are now in hyper-speed anyway, which can make the holiday’s seem almost unmanageable. However, there is hope, if we can understand the problem.

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Beating Depression

Depression

Depression can come on us at any time of the year. Sometimes, holidays are the worst times for those that feel this down-in-the-dumps fear and worry and things just seem to happen to make us feel gloomy and sad. Note that this feeling happens to all of us at one time or another. How to recognize the feeling and know what to do about it is the purpose of this article.

No one can or should ignore this feeling. It is universal and the blues are very much ingrained in our world. Music and movies are legendary in handling this subject. If the feeling is too overwhelming, then sometimes professional help is the desired action. We will just talk here about the funk of depression, the knotted thinking that nothing is right and it will only get worse. The following things are suggested to help:

1. Laughing is the best medicine is an old adage, but so true. It is amazing how when you are depressed, just laughing about something and releasing the stress, can make you feel better. If you are having trouble finding something to laugh about, maybe you can find some people to keep close that cheer you up, that you can call when you feel bad, those who you know will let you apply the “strength in numbers” theory. Invite a few good friends over just to talk and have an appetizer and you will see how much better you feel afterwards.

2. Listening to music is another key to overcoming depression. If you can just relax and let the type of music you love drift over you and enter your senses, you will find that you calm down and feel better. Even as babies in the womb, we respond to music. Maybe you will find you want to get up and dance and there is nothing wrong with that - even without a partner! Just move to the beat and let all your stress flow out of your fingertips and toes.

3. Do some work and you will find you feel less depressed. There is something about a clean bathroom, living room, or kitchen that gives most women a sense of pride and order and joy. Men sometimes enjoy doing some of the same work and experiencing the same attitudes. The point is you just need to get out and do something that moves your body. Maybe you can shoot hoops in the driveway, ride a bicycle through the neighborhood and say “HI” to a few of your neighbors. There is something to be said for just watching a sunset and realizing how mighty the world is and how we are just one part of it. That sometimes seems to put our troubles more in perspective.

4. While we are on that thought, why not try prayer when you feel depressed? Try helping out someone less fortunate. Think of hospital patients and know that they most likely have things worse than you. Yet, you see happier children and adults in some of the worst settings in the hospital. Count your blessings. Hug someone or maybe go through some old pictures of happy times with your family.

Doing productive activities will always perk you up. Think positively about your life and the things you have been given and do not dwell on the problems. Take your dog for a walk and relish in the animal’s unending enjoyment at seeing you and being with you. Sometimes simple undemanding love is all we need to overcome the blue feeling.

The last suggestion may sound unusual, but here it is. EAT ICE CREAM! Yes, just swirling that cold stuff around on your tongue and all the different flavors can make you feel good! The idea is to eat something that you totally enjoy and see how hard it is to be depressed when you have your favorite food and are enjoying it. The world just seems a little better!

Of course, all the suggestions given above may not apply to everyone. But give them a try and who knows…maybe they can help just a little. Keep this list handy and the next time you are feeling a little down, find something that triggers the best response to get you to feel happy again. Be aware that when depression creeps in, you need to take action and beat the depression back to the corner where it belongs.

We all have more important things to do in life than feel blue and depressed. Keep this thought in-mind and may your life be filled with joy.

Lessen Panic Attacks

Anxiety Disorders, Panic Attacks

  • What we usually perceive as a possible threat or danger brought about by a panic attack actually starts from the brain.
  • From the brain, signals are sent to the nervous system of our body.
  • It is the nervous system that is responsible in preparing our body to face or to escape the threat.
  • It is also responsible in returning our body to its original state of equilibrium or tranquility once the threat has gone away or has subsided.
  • In layman terms, there is this independent region of the nervous system responsible for the rise and fall of our nervous feeling. This rise in feeling is responsible in preparing our body to face or to flee the danger.
  • The fall in feeling or subsiding feeling works to restore balance and equilibrium, bringing our body back to its normal state.
  • Let us use our example earlier about graduating top in class. Before the valedictory speech, the rising feel goes to work. After the speech, the subsiding feel is responsible for the body’s equilibrium.
  • The rising feel is the controversial section of the nervous system which starts the anxiety (or possibly panic attack), while the subsiding feel is the one that brings our body to its original comfortable state.
  • You might ask: Exactly what part of our body is activated during a panic attack?
  • In medical terms, just above the kidney are the adrenal glands that release adrenaline (a hormone) when we are in a state of anxiety. The adrenaline is responsible in keeping our anxiety going.
  • Remember that anxiety within controllable levels is here to protect and not to harm, which is why a continued anxious feeling can be beneficial to the body. Once the excitement is done with, the subsiding feel takes over to return our body to relaxation mode.
  • What can we do to control anxiety to a tolerable level? We can engage in some coping techniques or strategies to diffuse or control anxiety.
  • Coping techniques are actually a means of activating the subsiding feel even before the perceived danger is over. Whether we will it or not, this feeling will be called into action at one point or another as the body cannot continue to stay in an ever increasing state of anxiety.
  • It would be interesting to note that our body is an ingenious work of art.
  • We need not fear that anxiety will reach an uncontrollable level because our body cells are wise enough to protect themselves from any potential harm.
  • We may even think negatively and perceive the worst scenario; yet our body’s ingenuity will still prevail and protect us. Even modern science is baffled with the way the human body works, which is why new discoveries develop as time passes by. Whatever situation we find ourselves into, we can be sure of our body’s aim to keep us away from harm.
  • To sum up what we have discussed so far, anxiety or panic attacks are actually products of our mind; and to a certain extent, they are due to body chemistry.
  • Entertain yourself by visualizing a caricature of two persons - one representing your mind and the other one, your body. While the mind keeps on doing all sorts of stuff to bring the body to its worst condition (typifying anxiety), the body keeps its ground - confident and barely moving.

Overcome Negative Esteem

Self Esteem

A low self esteem is one of the leading causes of depression. Working to boost your self esteem can increase your chances for success and happiness on both a personal and professional level. While many people realize that they need to boost their feeling of self worth, it is not always easy to accomplish. However, there are several ways that you can increase your self esteem. Here are seven ways to boost your self esteem.

Play To Your Strengths

First it is important to determine who you are. What nouns can you use to describe yourself (wife, mother, friend, teacher, etc.)? Also make a list of your strengths, capabilities, and skills. Many times our feeling of self worth are wrapped up in our negative perceptions of ourselves, especially in terms of areas where we feel a lack such as our physical appearance, education, finances, job, etc. However it is important to remember that our weight, our skin, our career, etc. are not who we are. Who we are is inside us and too often we hide the beauty of our generous souls, creative natures, and joyful zest behind walls we have built to protect ourselves. This can cut us off from others but even more dangerous it can cut us off from ourselves.

Identify what is unique and special about yourself and regularly reaffirm that you are in fact skilled and knowledgeable in those areas. Find at least one area of your life that is a source of pride and joy in your life. Make sure to give yourself permission to explore that area and experience it as much as possible.

Lay Down Your Burdens

So often we dwell on our weaknesses and worries until they loom larger than life and begin to dominate our thoughts and emotions. Spend a few minutes every day writing down your worries and negative thoughts then close the book and push the negativity to the back of your mind. Concerns that loom so large in your imagination lose their power on paper. Amazingly, after writing them down the anxieties begin to fade.

Be True To Yourself

Too often we experience failure because we let others choose our goals for us whether it is society, our parents, partners, friends, or teachers. Don’t set goals based on the expectations of others but rather on what you want to do, what you enjoy doing, and what you dream about doing. Following someone else’s dreams rather than our own is setting ourselves up for failure which then leads to lower self esteem. Of course then we are even less likely to pursue our own goals which then leads to a cycle of failure and low self esteem.

Become A Positive Person

Think and speak positively. If you hear a compliment or positive statement about someone you know pass that compliment on to them. An Arabian proverb puts it neatly: Blessed is he who speaks a kindness; thrice blessed he who repeats it. Concentrate on speaking positively of others as well as yourself. The more you concentrate your energy on positive reinforcement for yourself as well as for others the easier it will become to be a positive person with a strong self esteem.

This also means becoming a more friendly person to those people who are a regular part of your life as well as strangers you simply pass at the store or on the street. Smile, nod, comment on the weather or life, and focus on giving others a reason to smile as well. Give yourself and others positive rewards for being and doing well.

Take Risks

Learn something new. Start a new hobby, learn a new skill, take a class, read challenging books, or engage in a new physical challenge or activity. Don’t be afraid of mistakes or failure. Simply stepping outside your comfortable rut is a success and every new skill and every piece of new knowledge gained is a success. Perhaps the final project is not as successful as you hoped but don’t overlook the other gains you made from the experience. Risk-taking builds confidence and gives you the courage to experience still more new things. Each new experience can help you learn and grow as a person as well as give you the opportunity for more success. Maybe that quilt didn’t turn out as beautiful as you hoped but you did make new friends in the class or found a great way to relieve stress. And perhaps you learned enough from the experience so your next quilt will be beautiful. Always remember trying and failing still puts you ahead of the person who didn’t try at all.

Discount the Negative

Too often our negative perceptions of ourselves, whether it is our physical appearance, our financial status, or professional life, is determined by outside influences. It is important to remember that rarely do these negative projections come from an unbiased source so we should give them little credence. For example, if the messenger is popular culture or media, remember their goal is to make you feel bad about yourself so you will buy what they are selling. Similarly, many people (even people who love you) often build themselves up at the expense of others. It can help you improve your self esteem simply by keeping better company. Positive feeds positive and negative breeds negative. If you choose to be around positive people you in turn will become more positive. Don’t accept messages that damage your own self-esteem. It is much easier to improve or change your behavior when you believe you are lovable and capable.

Take Small Steps

A small success can bring a big feeling of competence. Small steps lead to more steps. Pat your self on the back every time you make a small success. Every step counts. Take one step at a time in a positive direction, this is the practice of self-esteem.

Using these seven strategies can help you boost your self esteem and help you lead a happier and more successful life.

Help for Low Self-Esteem

Self Esteem

The development of a positive self-concept, or healthy self-esteem, plays a major role in life success and happiness.

Self-esteem is quite simply how we feel about ourselves and our behavior clearly reflects those feelings. The way we talk about ourselves is very important in everything we do. What we think determines how we feel and how we feel determines how we behave.

A strong positive self-concept allows individuals to open themselves to new opportunities and challenges both personally and professionally. People who lack self-esteem are less willing to move from their safety zone and so miss opportunities in life, love, and success.

We can often place the blame for low self-esteem on people in our past such as our parents, teachers, or other important people. However once we reach adulthood, we need to take responsibility for our own self-concept.

In many ways self-esteem is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Those with a positive self-image will constantly reinforce that image with new successes while those with a negative self-image will find new failures to reinforce that image. If your self-esteem needs bolstering then you must find ways to bolster it.

  1. One way to boost your self-concept is through self-talk. Psychologists have found that negative self-talk is behind depression and anxiety. It is important to emphasize to ourselves both positive self-statements and mental pictures. Do this several times every day until it becomes a habit and you do not need to force yourself to imagine a positive self-concept but instead allow it to become a reality.
  2. A second important step is to decide what you can and cannot control. Change and act on the things that are in your control and release the things that are out of your control. You can control your eating and exercise habits but you cannot change your body type. You can control your personal hygiene and appearance but you cannot control whether others find you attractive. You can control how you feel about yourself but you cannot control how others feel about you.
  3. Third, set up a competition you can win. This means only compete to improve yourself not to beat someone else. Constantly setting meaningful, achievable goals for yourself allows you to keep improving yourself and can also build your self-esteem by reinforcing your achievements.
  4. Fourth, become a positive person. When you ponder a decision or change in your life then think of everything that could go right. Emphasize the positives even when something unexpected occurs. Recognize that mistakes are opportunities to try again. Keep the setback in perspective. Most mistakes are not personal tragedies but rather problems you now have the opportunity to solve. Success is often the tail of a string of failed attempts to get it right.
  5. Finally, accept responsibility for yourself. Finding self-confidence requires accepting responsibility for your own happiness and recognizing that you are a product not only of your genetic code and your environment, but of the choices you make. Release the blame for your past and do not dwell on the others who may have contributed to your low self-esteem. That was yesterday. You and you alone are responsible for the person you will be today and tomorrow.

Building your self-esteem is crucial to your success and happiness. If you follow these five steps then you should be able to give your self-esteem a boost.

Self Esteem & Dating

Dating, Online Dating, Self Esteem

No one wants a date with someone with low self esteem and a negative self image. Try to makeover your self confidence and learn how to be a desirable date with these ideas…

Make a list addressing all the things you are not comfortable with about yourself. Be honest. Establish which things people may not like about you and get an honest second opinion. Change the things that are easy first, and ensure you are comfortable with any alterations.

Address the way you look and dress. By changing the basic aspects of your looks, lifestyle and regime, you will instantly feel more confident. By looking and feeling good about yourself and widening your horizons your life has already changed for the better and your confidence levels are on the up.

There are a few changes that can be made in your daily life. Make sure you are in shape or attempting to be. If you are dieting or exercising, remember to be patient as these changes will take a little while. Also, start doing things you wish you always had the courage to do…maybe a hobby, sport, class or society. Learn to enjoy the smaller things in life and give yourself time especially for these things. If you like to cook for friends, then start having dinner parties.

Start dating…if someone has asked you out, accept. If not, be proactive and ask someone out yourself who you like. Just do it, and accept the fact that some people will say no…but many will also say yes. Begin to make conversation with the nice people you meet along the way. Become sociable and look good at every opportunity. Now start to be selective about what kind of people you really like. But by the same token, talk to everyone. The more people who are interested, the higher your confidence levels.

Remember to stay away from people that bring you down or criticize you. Whether a friend or a potential date, you deserve better. Walk away from anything you don’t like and instill a positive attitude in everything that you do.

Remove Negative Habits

Changing Habits

You have the power to train your mind to choose what you think, instead of allowing random thoughts to hold you hostage. Your goal is to become inner-directed and focused, so that you decide what you want to think, rather than have your thoughts and emotions determined by the world around you. The untrained mind has more emotional ups and downs because it is reacting to random thoughts. Focus on what you want with joy and enthusiasm.

Remember, just like the Earth, your brain does not discern what you plant. It will work just as hard to grow weeds as it will to grow beautiful flowers. You determine the seeds that are planted by what you say to yourself over and over.

Quite simply, you are a self-fulfilling prophecy because your subconscious mind does not know the difference between factual reality and imagined reality. If you focus on what you say you don’t want, then you will create that as the dominate request in your experience.

So, keep focused on what you do want. Define yourself as the new person you chose to be. (Example: I am a perfect weight for my body and lifestyle.) If you are still looking to lose weight, you may want to say something like: I am allowing my body to obtain its perfect balance for health and vitality. Many of your beliefs have no foundation of truth, so instead of promoting your purpose, they hold you back from success.

If you think you are destined to be overweight, below average, poor, unlucky in love, clumsy, or even “not good at something,” you will take actions that make these thoughts become reality. None of these thoughts are actually true, but thinking them creates beliefs and images in your mind that reinforce these negative statements until they actually become true for you.

Be aware of the directions you give your brain. Your internal dialogue, along with what you believe about situations, is how you create your emotions. Negative self-talk messages will cause you to give up before you even try something new. Always be aware that your words can make ominous predictions. If you say about your habit, “I’ll never be able to stop this; I’ve been doing it so long.”

You are programming yourself to believe that you are too weak and powerless to overcome the habit. These negative permissions clutter up your ability to change your behaviors. Pay attention to yourself when you hear yourself uttering negative permissions and negative reinforcements.

Avoid negative self-talk: “I can’t do this. I don’t understand. I’ll look stupid. I’m too old to learn new skills. They make me feel stupid. That’s just the way I am. There’s nothing I can do. No one in my family can do it, so I know I cannot.”

Change your self-talk to positive reinforcement for changing old behaviors (habits). A positive outlook creates more options for creative solutions. Remember, focus on what you want. Keep it simple and sure.

High Self-Esteem

Self Esteem

High self esteem is an extremely important characteristic of all highly successful people. Without high levels of self esteem you are unlikely to see yourself as being worthy of success or happiness, and as a result will never truly try your hardest to achieve it.

High self esteem will give you the courage to keep going when things get tough, and believe in yourself when others say you will never accomplish something. Developing and building self esteem is therefore one of the most important and valuable things you could ever do for yourself. Unfortunately, the value of self esteem is often overlooked, yet the truth is we could all improve our level of self esteem in some way or another.

Things That Build Self Esteem

The things that improve your self esteem are quite simple. Basically anything that makes you feel good about yourself, makes you feel important or valuable as a person will build your level of self esteem. So if your life is full of these things on a consistent daily basis, then your level of self esteem will automatically rise.

However the opposite is also true. So anything that makes you feel bad, reduces your feelings of worthiness or importance, will lower your self esteem.

Causes Of Low Self Esteem

So when you look at self esteem like this, you can see that overall self esteem is just a balance between things that make you feel good, and things that make you feel bad. If you feel good more often than you do bad, you will have high self esteem and vice versa.

So why is this important? Well many people who suffer from low levels of self esteem continue to expose themselves to things that make them feel bad. They may hang around with the same people everyday who laugh at them, or treat them disrespectfully. They may talk to themselves in a way that lacks respect, such as saying they are a looser or that they can’t do anything. Or they may do other things which day by day make them feel the same way.

Change Your Life, Change Your Thoughts

So the key here is change. If you are able to identify the things that make you feel bad, and replace them with the things that make you feel good, ultimately your self esteem will improve. You won’t have to try to improve and build up your self esteem, it will just happen automatically.

This principle of change is so simple it is often overlooked, because people become used to doing the same things day in day out. The trouble with this is that by doing the same things everyday, your thought patterns remain the same everyday and so you FEEL the same everyday. This is the real value and importance of change, which is why sometimes you need to change your life first, before you can change your thoughts.

Change will break your current thought patterns and create new patterns of thought. It is up to you to create patterns that will improve and enrich your life, and you do this by exposing yourself to things that make you feel good about yourself and raise your value as a person.

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